1. I love that I feel responsible for nurturing and taking care of anyone who works for me. My director persona is "Mama Kate"
2. I love that I assume the best about people from the first moment until they give me reason to do otherwise.
3. I love that I'm capable of believing I'm sexy, even at times when I'm feeling unhappy with the shape I'm in.
4. I love that I remember birthdays, and make sure to acknowledge them
5. I love that I'm intelligent, and find intelligence important
6. I love that I get giddy about doing Algebra
7. I love that I'm a touch junkie - that I notice and appreciate every little touch, that I love to cuddle, that a really genuine bear hug can turn around my entire day
8. I love that I believe in romance and the possibility that I will one day experience my own version of a fairy tale
9. I love that I have faith in and a relationship with God
10. I love that I'm moved by music, and by the poetry of lyrics.
11. I love that a good story or well-crafted personal journey (as in print, film, theatre, etc) can make me cry, and that I'm not ashamed to do so
12. I love that I'm a good director: That I've learned and continue to learn the physical language of personal connection, and am able to translate it into English and vice versa for actors. 
13. I love that I will drop everything for a friend in need
14. I love that I've achieved so much in my life on my own, even in the times when I really wanted help
15. I love that I am straightforward and disinterested in (incapable of?) using manipulation instead of conversation to get what I want/need.
16. I love that so far, I have let myself avoid regret. I've been able to appreciate that the things I've said, done, and experienced were all good if for no other reason than that they got me where I am, which is much better than anywhere I've been.
17. I love that I'm thrilled and delighted by things that aren't unusual, life-changing, or specifically about me: Autumn, a brisk breeze, snow, watching strangers hug or do something polite for each other
18. I love that I am tenacious and have overcome fear in many circumstances in order to achieve what I believe is important. I've moved across the country. I've stood up to men who've hurt me. I've created a theatre company. I've left an unhealthy job in order to pursue my career, even though I don't know for sure how I'll pay rent. 
19. I love that I love singing, and that it sounds good when I do
20. I love that I can't let myself do less than my absolute best.
21. I love that unhappiness felt by those I love makes me genuinely sad. 
22. I love that I follow and believe in my unique moral compass, regardless of what I see happening around me. 
23. I love my thirst to understand - the compulsion to read and reread sentences until they make total sense, to look up words that aren't completely clear, etc.
24. I love my imagination...and my ability to know the difference between it and reality
25. I love that I hate the idea of doing what everyone else does, and try as much as possible to not buy in.
26. I love my sense of humor, as silly and nerdy as it might be
27. I love that I'm a passionate person.
28. I love that I've learned how to be kind to myself, and that my attempts to put it into practice have directly resulted in being kinder to others (and those others being kinder to other others. And so on). 
29. I love that I am friends with my parents and my siblings.
30. I love that I love.

• Ask yourself what are the things you've always wanted someone to say to you, but no one ever has.
• Ask the child inside you what it needs to hear you say to it.
• Make a tape. Tell yourself the things you've always wanted someone else to say. Include everything the child needs to hear to feel loved and appreciated.
• Listen to the tape every day.  Add to it when you think of something else you want to hear.
• Write love letters to yourself.
• Think of at least one loving thing to do for yourself each day.
• Make a list of things you'd like to have and begin providing them for yourself.
• Each time you give a gift to someone else, give something (even if it's just little) to yourself.
• Stop and appreciate yourself for every thought and act of kindness.
• Say thank you to yourself when you do something kind.
• Each time you receive a gift, give something (even if it's just something little!) to someone else, and really let yourself feel the joy of doing it.
• Get comfortable saying, "I love you" to yourself and say it many times each day.
• Take out old pictures of yourself when you were little, frame them, place them in prominent places, and let yourself begin to appreciate that little person.
• Journal regularly, especially noting the self-hating ways you speak to yourself and treat yourself, and each time you become of a new way, remind yourself that even though you were taught to treat yourself that way, you are now committed to treating yourself with unconditional love and acceptance.

I like to recap my year, I've decided. It's nice to have something to look back on so I remember how far I've come, and how far I can go.

Plus, with a friend like proko5, I often feel a strong pull to make lists. :-D

So, in two sentences per month (or less): Kate's 2011. It was a year characterized by emotional awareness more than anything else - so to those of you that scoff at such things, I suggest you skip this one.

January:
Directed a reading and a full production, the former of which I got paid for (!) and the latter of which introduced me to my awesome new friends Cary, Katee, and Will. A part of my history (NYB) became a resident of my city - and I avoided accepting it for a while. 

February: 
Avoided life problems by rehearsing the aforementioned full production plus two more readings - and met the incredible Lindsay in that process. Found out that ADG had a gf, and decided to use that to take a more proactive view on the whole dating thing.

March:
Didn't work, and it freaked me out - found myself full of anxiety about whether there'd be a next project, plus the anxiety about dating that already existed but had been hidden by rehearsals. Spent time in Seattle with Amos, Portland with Marky, and here in the city with Cary...and by being surrounded by truly great dudes was inspired to make the decision that it was time to me to stop chasing after relationships when they weren't really there, and that it's time to stop settling for flings and hangouts when what I want is something real. 

April:
Despite my positive decisions about dating, did not feel too keen on myself - lots of self-reflection (and, I realized later, self-sabotaging) began, and it didn't really feel good. Went back to church, had an incredible Easter, and grew to appreciate Brandi even more.

May:
The breakup of one of the most prominent couples in my life got me losing faith in relationships and wondering just what the heck I actually wanted, and whether it was all worth it anyway. The career picked back up, with drama at the beginning of the month, but rehearsals for my first NYC musical - exciting, even if it was only a 15 minute - at the end.

June:
Began the "summer of insanity" - work became busy: performances of the musical plus directing one full-length, dramaturging another, and producing both. Plus I saw ADG again for the first time since those dates, got scary news from a best friend, tried to ignore a crush, and finally made an appointment to be evaluated to start therapy (the best thing I could have done for myself).

July:
I fit some pretty big stuff around the rehearsals and performances of the two full-lengths I began working on in June: Began therapy, spent a long weekend in Myrtle Beach (and even let myself enjoy it some of the time!), found out about - and began stressing about - my impending 10 year high school reunion. Had a very valuable conversation with Cary that made me realize just how much I was hiding from actual emotion, how much that wasn't necessary...and how completely awesome he is.

August:
All the self-sabotaging and ignoring myself came to a head and resulted in a major emotional breakdown; the month was almost entirely about it - first the complete state of being overwhelmed and the therapy sessions that made me see and acknowledge just what my problems were, then the breakdown and subsequent week of depression, then finally the beginning of recovery. Found myself incredibly grateful for the friends that helped me deal with it, and nervous about the ones that felt MIA - but more than anything proud and relieved that I was able to admit things I'd been pretending didn't exist for a long time.

September:
In September I started rebuilding - spent lots of time focusing on getting new perspective, including a truly incredible experience at Brandi's beautiful wedding. Some professional issues started to peek out from behind all of that, but for the most part I paid little attention to anything that wasn't abandoning bad habits and developing better ones.

October:
Got back to work with rehearsals for two consecutive shows, meeting new talented artists, collaborating again with less-new ones, and finding art imitating life a great deal. Suddenly sex was the only topic of conversation, which meant I became aware of what a different place I'm in from most of my best friends, cured me of that crush I'd been dealing with since (before) June, and got me in an uncomfortable situation with a friend of a friend - and meant that the date I went on in which it wasn't the topic was one of the most positive, if inconsequential, I've been on. Also had an incredible birthday and birthday (observed), the latter of which found me reconciling with two people (Thing2 and NYB) that I'd been pretty resistant to in the past.

November:
A month full of the most difficult, drama-filled and painful rehearsal and performance processes that I've been involved in, regardless of the fact that the show itself was successful and well-received. Discovered that I really missed my family, didn't know how to act in a wonderful - albeit awkward - Thanksgiving situation, and started to face my fear of abandonment.

December:
Closed the tough show and moved on to very exciting things for my company, making us incredibly official. Also continued to miss my family, met TOZ's boyfriend, come to terms with feeling kinda lonely, and decided to be proactive in dealing with that by starting online dating again.


I finished the year with preparations for the next shows and hope and positivity toward the next step in my personal life. 

2011 was about tearing down.

2012 is about rebuilding. 

Over a year ago, before he was a mention on a blog, a guy I was working with did something amazing.

We were riding the train together, because we lived at the same stop. We got off the train, still talking about...something - I can't remember what - and instead of taking the west exit off the platform to his apartment, he took the east toward mine. We were still talking, so he just kept walking. I asked, didn't he need to go the other way? He brushed it off, saying that we're in the middle of a conversation, he can walk a little out of his way.

He walked 10 blocks, practically to my apartment, before we parted ways and he turned around.

We didn't know each other. I think that was the first time we really had much of a conversation at all. He's just that kind of guy.

That changed me. At least it changed some of the choices I've made since. Because I want to be like that, too. I want to be the kind of person who will go out of her way for a good conversation, rather than cut it short like its not important.

I ran into a girl I've worked with today, on the train. As I walked down the wrong stairs, across the street from my destination, I thought of that colleague.

And I thought, he really is a good dude.

Sometimes I have a hard time coming up with why TOZ became a thing. Sometimes I can't seem to remember what I saw in him.

And then I remember things like that. I remember that he's a good dude.

And even with all the bad that happened after that walk, even if the only thing that I learned from him was how easy it is to let someone know they're worth some extra time ....well, I guess I'm still just really really thankful.

This play...

It's either going to be really good for me, or it's going to kill me.

I'm starting work on a 15-minute play tomorrow. Well, starting rehearsals. I've been working on it for months...partly because sometimes I just couldn't handle the time off, and needed to do the thing I know I do well, and partly because I'm nervous about it and want to feel fully armed in facing it.

It's a brilliant play. I didn't realize how brilliant until reading it a few times. It's also intense. Not obviously intense... but highly charged, in a way that you can't hear or see, but have to just *feel*.

It's called Supernova. Each character is dealing with the core of its world shutting down, on the brink of the explosion that comes from that. So for much of the play, there's this subtle potential energy building inside of them, underneath everything... 

It's intense and highly charged.

Plus...some of it hits a little too close to home.

"DYLAN:
You're
so good to me
LEE:
I know
DYLAN:
I have to go
LEE:
I know"

"ANA:
When he looks at you
you
are the only person
in the universe.
You exist.
But when he looks away
when he turns his head
away
that's the end."

I've had a really good weekend. Lots of time with good friends just being people. Not being fun, or funny, or impressive....just people. There's not always enough of that in this life of mine.

It was a very judgment free weekend. That's nice. And it's nice to see surprise or confusion on the faces of people that know me when I tell them that I don't always think there's much that's good about me.

I know I've possibly always relied too much on validation from others. I'm determined to get more validation from myself, instead.

But I do feel very lucky to have people in my life who know there are great things about me, even when I don't know it myself.

Everyone has been very nice to me lately. Very gentle and calming and warm. I've needed that. And I'm so grateful for it.

A good weekend.

And on a different topic.....

10 years ago, I was the one that answered the phone. I was just about to leave for school when the phone rang. I answered, and talked to my brother just long enough to hear the fear in his voice, and turn on the tv before I handed the phone to my parents. And soon after that the call dropped, and we couldn't get back through. I went to school where the tv was on in most classrooms, and honestly didn't get it. I couldn't get it. None of us got it. The kids all talked in this silly rhetoric about blowing their asses away, blah blah blah... And all I knew was that this wasn't about politics. This was about the fact that I hadn't heard from Freddie. That was the only thing I understood.

I know now that no one got it. No one that didn't live in NYC or DC got it. Even those that tried.

But I got an email today from Freddie about something inconsequential.

And he may drive me crazy sometimes, but I feel incredibly lucky for that, too.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Nightmare. Late for a show because I went to a poorly-timed concert.

Late for professional obligation because of social/personal event.

"To dream that you are late, signifies your fear of change and your ambivalence about seizing an opportunity. You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances. Additionally, you may be overwhelmed or conflicted with decisions about your future. Time is running out and you no longer have time to accomplish all the things you want."

I have to admit, even while awake I've felt like my current project has been wasting time that could be used for my professional life.

But still, the sentence that really stands out:
You may feel unready, unworthy, or unsupported in your current circumstances.